Am I causing harm?

Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Programme (DAPP)

These programmes are suitable for those who want to change their abusive behaviour, to have safer families, to understand what may have led them to use abusive behaviour and to learn strategies to help their specific situation.

All projects have been written using psychological principles and research. The Family Intervention Counselling Service (FICS) are delighted to have achieved Respect’s Accreditation standard which is reassurance that the programmes are safe and effective.

If you are unsure of what service may benefit you, or you would like further information please contact the FICS team - admin@interventionservice.co.uk.

Are you worried that your behaviour towards your partner or family member might be abusive?

Below is an outline of some of the behaviours that are classed as domestic abuse. If your behaviour fits any of these patterns, then you may be being abusive but there is help available before the situation gets out of hand. Your whole lifestyle could be in jeopardy if you don’t decide to change your behaviour.

Mental / emotional abuse

If you are being mentally or emotionally abusive towards your partner or family member, you might be.

Criticising
Using language designed to humiliate.
Blaming
Intimidating and threatening
Destroying personal belongings
Telling them that they are mad
Telling them that you are not being abusive

Threatening behaviours

This can include making threats to:

Take the children away yourself.
Have the children taken away by Social Care or other people
Have your victim deported
Have your victim sectioned
Abuse your victim’s children, family, friends or pets
Kill someone
Commit suicide
Mutilate your victim or their loved ones
Stalk your victim (any of which could be in person, via phone call, email or text message)

Intimidation and isolation

It could be you:

Repeatedly criticise your victim
Tell your victim that they are ugly / worthless / useless
Prevent your victim from having contact with family and friends
Humiliate your victim in front of others
Give your victim a curfew
Stop or monitor your victim’s phone calls

Psychological abuse

You may:

Act jealously
Blame your victim for causing the abuse
Lie to your victim
Manipulate your victim to do as you want
Ignore your victim
Undermine or confuse your victim
Tell your victim that they are losing their mind

Financial abuse

Being financially abusive may include:

Building up debt in your victim’s name
Withholding money from your victim
Stealing money from your victim
Limiting or preventing your victim from having access to money
Not letting your victim work
Using family money for alcohol / drugs
Claiming and keeping your victim’s benefits
Selling your victim’s possessions
Not paying child support
Refusing to pay bills
Forcing your victim to earn money for you/ another person
Threatening to report to your victim to the Benefits Agency or other authorities

Sexual abuse

Are you asking your victim to do sexual things in return for meeting their basic needs and requirements. Whether in a relationship or not, if someone does not want to have sex, they do not have to. If you are forcing someone against their will, then you are being abusive.

Some forms of sexual abuse can include:

Rape
Forcing someone to engage in sexual acts
Degrading treatment
Sexual name-calling
Forcing someone to prostitute themselves
Making someone wear clothes that they haven’t chosen
Forcing someone to take part in or look at pornographic images
Forcing someone to have sexual relationships with other people

Sexual abuse of any form is never right.

Violence / physical abuse

You may be directing violence and physical abuse at your victim, or at their family, friends or pets.

An example of this is:

Hitting / punching / kicking / shoving
Spitting
Strangling
Pulling hair
Making angry or physical threats
Biting
Burning
Using weapons
Forcing someone to use drugs and / or alcohol
Depriving someone of sleep
Hurting a pet
Invading other’s space

Forced marriage and “honour” based violence

Forced marriage is a form of domestic violence and abuse. It happens when you force a victim to marry someone when they do not consent. You may make demands that the victim accepts the marriage proposal through physical, mental or emotional pressure and violence.

Parents who force their children to marry often justify their behaviour as protecting their children, building stronger families and preserving cultural or religious traditions. However, forced marriage cannot be justified on religious grounds and forcing someone to marry against their will is wrong.

How does my behaviour affect children around me?

If you are around children, they will most probably be affected in some way by your abusive behaviour.

Children learn from their environments and / or their parents. Because of their experiences, they can grow up thinking that a certain situation, for example, domestic abuse, is normal.

Normalising such behaviour for children is dangerous, as they may take their experiences with them through to adult life.

Young people experiencing domestic abuse (either directly or indirectly) can become withdrawn, violent, and lose confidence in themselves. These experiences can also have a significant emotional impact on them. The Royal College of Psychiatrists states that children or young people might:

become anxious or depressed
have difficulty sleeping
have nightmares or flashbacks
be easily startled
complain of physical symptoms such as tummy aches
start to wet their bed
have temper tantrums
behave as though they are much younger than they are
have problems with school
become aggressive or they may internalise their distress and withdraw from other people
have a lowered sense of self-worth
begin to play truant or start to use alcohol or drugs
begin to self-harm by taking overdoses or cutting themselves
have an eating disorder

Children may also feel angry, guilty, insecure, alone, frightened, powerless or confused.